Road Trip Thoughts

A few weeks ago, I was driving back home to Charlotte with my two girls from visiting my family in Wilmington. My husband was in Boston visiting his family and meeting his new baby nephew, so the girls and I headed to stay with my parents for the weekend. It was a sweet time with family, and my girls were sandy, tired, and happy as we loaded back into the car for the just over three hour car-ride back home. After just a few minutes on the road, my girls fell sound asleep, and I had the urge to pop in some old cd’s from my zippered case stashed under my passenger seat. As I belted out “Why Georgia” along with John Mayer, I realized it had been years since I’d sung out loud in the car, and how much I love singing his songs. As each new song began, I sang every word as if it had just been played yesterday. Then the flood of emotions started as if I had just been hiking in Red Rocks yesterday as I sung, “No more 3×5’s.” Tears stung my eyes as I allowed myself to go back to that single time of my life, when friends were my family, and it felt like a divorce when one of my best friends shut the door on our friendship. That friend had given me the Continuum cd I knew so well, before everything went weird with us. I had seen that friend at a Red Rocks concert, and my stomach lurched the moment I saw him. It was the first time I’d seen him since our blowout. He came over to me, after a few too many drinks with his friends, and said, “You deserve an apology when I’m sober.” Those were the last words I ever heard him say, since I never saw him again. So many what-ifs plagued my brain like a woodpecker. “Too many hours in this midnight. Too many corners in my mind…,” I squeaked out, still at Red Rocks in my mind, while driving in the car where my girls slept. Is it fair to my husband or my girls to have these thoughts? It all happened before I even met my husband, but sometimes it feels so raw if I let my mind drift back to that time. Although I am a wife and mother now, I had a life before these roles became mine. While what matters in my life is everything and everyone in it now, my past is what has shaped me, scarred me, and hurt me, but also has taught me so much about forgiveness and grace.

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